Translucent solitude

The quiet. It soothed her and comforted her. It made her ruminate. It made her feel alive. It made her forget all the trivial noises of the humdrum- the kids, the sounds of the metropolitan traffic, the radio, the hiss of the cooker, the blaring calls of the street vendors and innumerable ringtones.

The gloomy night sky hazily diffused the milky white translucence.  She could feel the night sinking, the dark intensifying, one minute after another, making the stars shine brighter. Gazing into the atmospheric infinity, sipping the cool of the night breeze and cuddling into her own blanket, she closed her eyes for a while and sighed in tranquility.

He faced the sky with her, holding her in a light embrace. They were lying down on the terrace on the same bed, under the same blanket, but didn’t face each other. It was what she wanted- for them both to gaze at the sky. Together. Quietly. 

                                               

He enjoyed the subtle warmth of the places where her skin touched his. He felt it bizarre how the sensation of her breath on his arm made him so calmly erotic. His mind started to cherry-pick the moments of their courtship that eventually deepened into their moments of marriage. Dizzy smiles came and went.

He had sensed that she felt inexplicably lost lately. The routine had dulled her. She’d started to feel fatigued even after sleeping a good ten hours. She’d lose her way into an abyss, in the middle of a conversation. She’d burn the rice. She’d forget to put things in the refrigerator. She’d sometimes sit up in the middle of the night, just to check on the lights and locks. And the week before, she made him coffee, twice in ten minutes. He didn’t say a word but sipped it down. She cleared the cups and took them to the sink and she knew. She closed her eyes in disbelief. He notified at work about his absence.

“I need a break”, she said.

“I know.”

They were almost at sunrise now, without a word uttered. The bluish hue of the dawn and the hovering songs of early birds. He remembered the time when he’d asked her out of curiosity, why she’d chosen him.

“You’re good company. And you’re a quiet guy”, she’d said.

Back then, he thought it was just an explanation, but it wasn’t long before he’d realized she was a quiet one too. There were times when they were up talking all night. And there were times that they drove together in the car with hardly any words throughout. Except a brief period in courtship, he had never felt the urgency to talk to her. She inherently beamed an easy sense of reassurance. He smiled at the queer difference in who she was from every other woman he ever knew, and dozed into sleep.

She’d slept briefly. It felt good to wake up to the mild rays of the sun. She stretched heartily and turned to look at him, finding him in a deep sleep. She freshened up, grabbed a piece of paper, wrote a note and tiptoed out.

He woke up to the emptiness beside him, only to find a note tucked beside the bed.

Hey,

I made coffee.

It feels amazing to realize that I don’t have to get away from you to be alone.

Thank you.

PS: The sun was good, and I sneaked out for a quick run. Can’t wait to see you!

He blushed and sat up to the shining sun, liberally gulping the aromatic coffee happiness.   

Solitude

It’s bliss,

When all you have is yourself to talk to,

And listen to.

It’s relieving,

To put down the masks you wear all the time,

To be yourself without pretense or mime.

It’s essential,

To sort out the whispering inner voices,

To prioritize and make your final choices.

It’s fulfilling,

To rediscover your abilities and strengths,

And prepare for going long lengths.

It’s liberating

To bring out the ripple effect of long lost joy,

Withdrawing yourself from reality and decoy.

It’s crucial,

To revisit your mistakes and flaws,

To live for your people and to live by the laws.

Sometimes there is a deep need,

To be there and be alone.

To gather yourself with a strong tone.

To take your life to your own altitude,

And savor the solace of solitude.                                                             

Idle musings...

                                   It feels so good, so right, so comfortable and so satisfied as I write. This very moment convinces me that I love it so much, to just be myself; know myself.
                                   As I sit on a chair, in my balcony with a soothing dim light and cool, fresh air, I enjoy my mind's independence. Independence from thoughts, worries, troubles, responsibilities and people. At fifteen minutes past nine in the night, I still find a strange silence even with the prime time soaps running in the houses and the monotonous sound of motors and indicators of Bangalore traffic.
                                  The silence in me, the loneliness and the carefree feelings make me smile. It seems like the time is letting me talk to myself. Among monotonous college and photocopy routines, my mind craves for some space, some time- only and only for myself.
                                  And here I am, talking to myself. Contented. For a few minutes, I push away all the thoughts running through my mind- my parents, my family, friends,studies, career, health.... everything..!! I hit a  pause button to my life, letting it be the way it is! At least for now- for tonight!
                                  Tonight, I won't let anything trouble me, disturb me or take over me. This night is mine! It's for me!  This night, unlike the others, I give some time for myself, rather than for things and people around me. Tonight, I'm not worried about my untidy room, my unreturned books or my unfinished studies. I don't let them bother me, I smile at them!
                                    I let my eyes wander about, seeing the buildings, the light and the people. I stare at the sky, searching for stars, wondering if they really carry mysterious connections to our lives. I try to connect myself to them, something I have never done in my life. I look at everything in detail- the terraces, the cars, the doors and windows, the wet roads, the gates, the steps, the railings, the trees, the plant pots and the main road ahead. The empty porches, blinking generator lights and the eyes occasionally peeping out of the windows in anticipation. The parking lot, street dogs, electric poles, tangled wires and a smart guy on his bike...!!  I free my mind of all its thoughts and just look around, liberally accepting the sights I see, and the sounds I hear.
                                    I let the cool breeze blow over my face, easing my skin. I close my eyes to feel it more deeply. I let my hair free, a few strands falling on my cheeks. It makes me feel like being what I always wanted to be. I say to myself, that I have to take breaks like this now and then. My mind needs it on its way of emotional roller-coasters. I sit with a loneliness, enjoying it. Rejoicing it. As I understand its importance, I get a sense of satisfaction and newness. I am discovering myself...!!
                                     Small drops of rain fall on my sheets of paper, drizzling...! The winds grow cooler and soothing. I rest my chin on my hands and not wanting to get up, I gaze at the sky.
Giving ourselves some time is so refreshing! It relieves us of stress, worries and hopelessness, convincing us that we've got the strength to face what life is taking us through. On that thought, I close my eyes and pray to my inner self, to keep the strength. To hold it forever.
But time flies!
My mom shouts at me, "Dinner is ready.... You always complain that I cook late. When I'm early, you don't eat. Eating late, sleeping late and waking up late..... You have all the bad habits a student is not supposed to have. Do you realise that? Come on now....."
                         I then stop taking my mom's words into my head, but I still hear her talking. I face the sky once more, promise myself that I will take a few lonely sittings whenever I need them. I lend my ears back to my mom, laugh under my breath and take steps towards the kitchen.