Emptiness!

“I’m not a perfect person…..” my phone sings the song for an alarm at 5:45 am. I snooze it twice, thrice or sometimes even more, ultimately producing the same result of waking up late. I rush to the bathroom, sit like the ‘king-of-the-world’, finish up the morning routine and go in search of hot water for a bath.

I scream at my mother for not keeping the bucket and mug handy. I finally start with it. Time runs away when I’m enjoying the combination of hot water and my echoing voice.  My mom reminds me that I’ve to start to college and that I’m getting late.

I get ready, watching the clock seventeen times in three and a half minutes! I walk towards the bus stop, hastily. My legs disagree with my speed and protest by aching. The bus leaves, and my damp face gently dries up. I spend most of the journey looking out of the window, and parts of it reading and listening to music.

I finally reach college, and sit in the same classroom, on the same bench watching the same boring faces. We sleep, eat, doze, write records, text, play silly games, read novels, and do all nonsense things in classes, other than listening. We somehow pull our stunts (of listening) off for the day.

Once in a while, good things too happen in college, like the fest! We bunk classes, keeping fest as a ready excuse. We work, we have fun, we roam, we laugh, we take part, we win, we lose, we fight; and finally we are done!

We pretend to study for internals tests and we pretend to write it! Lecturers pretend to correct our blue books and our marks disastrously depend on their moods.

College closes for the day with water-less washrooms and chocolate-less canteen. Things go as they went yesterday, the day before and the day before. I come back home, stare at my TV and computer screens, on ‘time-sharing’ basis. I search for DVDs that might come to my rescue but fail to find any.

Finally, my day closes with meals and meds.

Each day is like the previous and the next. The joblessness, the photocopy routine and the monotonous college life creates a space that awaits to be filled.

My phone faithfully sings again,

“I’m not a perfect person….”

Idle musings...

                                   It feels so good, so right, so comfortable and so satisfied as I write. This very moment convinces me that I love it so much, to just be myself; know myself.
                                   As I sit on a chair, in my balcony with a soothing dim light and cool, fresh air, I enjoy my mind's independence. Independence from thoughts, worries, troubles, responsibilities and people. At fifteen minutes past nine in the night, I still find a strange silence even with the prime time soaps running in the houses and the monotonous sound of motors and indicators of Bangalore traffic.
                                  The silence in me, the loneliness and the carefree feelings make me smile. It seems like the time is letting me talk to myself. Among monotonous college and photocopy routines, my mind craves for some space, some time- only and only for myself.
                                  And here I am, talking to myself. Contented. For a few minutes, I push away all the thoughts running through my mind- my parents, my family, friends,studies, career, health.... everything..!! I hit a  pause button to my life, letting it be the way it is! At least for now- for tonight!
                                  Tonight, I won't let anything trouble me, disturb me or take over me. This night is mine! It's for me!  This night, unlike the others, I give some time for myself, rather than for things and people around me. Tonight, I'm not worried about my untidy room, my unreturned books or my unfinished studies. I don't let them bother me, I smile at them!
                                    I let my eyes wander about, seeing the buildings, the light and the people. I stare at the sky, searching for stars, wondering if they really carry mysterious connections to our lives. I try to connect myself to them, something I have never done in my life. I look at everything in detail- the terraces, the cars, the doors and windows, the wet roads, the gates, the steps, the railings, the trees, the plant pots and the main road ahead. The empty porches, blinking generator lights and the eyes occasionally peeping out of the windows in anticipation. The parking lot, street dogs, electric poles, tangled wires and a smart guy on his bike...!!  I free my mind of all its thoughts and just look around, liberally accepting the sights I see, and the sounds I hear.
                                    I let the cool breeze blow over my face, easing my skin. I close my eyes to feel it more deeply. I let my hair free, a few strands falling on my cheeks. It makes me feel like being what I always wanted to be. I say to myself, that I have to take breaks like this now and then. My mind needs it on its way of emotional roller-coasters. I sit with a loneliness, enjoying it. Rejoicing it. As I understand its importance, I get a sense of satisfaction and newness. I am discovering myself...!!
                                     Small drops of rain fall on my sheets of paper, drizzling...! The winds grow cooler and soothing. I rest my chin on my hands and not wanting to get up, I gaze at the sky.
Giving ourselves some time is so refreshing! It relieves us of stress, worries and hopelessness, convincing us that we've got the strength to face what life is taking us through. On that thought, I close my eyes and pray to my inner self, to keep the strength. To hold it forever.
But time flies!
My mom shouts at me, "Dinner is ready.... You always complain that I cook late. When I'm early, you don't eat. Eating late, sleeping late and waking up late..... You have all the bad habits a student is not supposed to have. Do you realise that? Come on now....."
                         I then stop taking my mom's words into my head, but I still hear her talking. I face the sky once more, promise myself that I will take a few lonely sittings whenever I need them. I lend my ears back to my mom, laugh under my breath and take steps towards the kitchen.